on grace, and being "good enough"

(note: 3 blog posts in 1 day just means Im finally posting all the stuff I had sitting in my word processor program.)


My intention with this site is mostly to go thru my experiences with Charity and IBLP in a logical way, either by topic or chronologically as the subject demands. However, since its also my “therapy” blog, Im going to take a step back from that and write about 2 (other) things that Ive been turning over in my head for a while.
The first came from a magazine article, I don’t know if it was tips for less stress or to like yourself better or what other nonsense, but it said, “Assume people like you.” This hit me like a ton of bricks! I realize I have been going around my whole life assuming people don’t like me unless I do something to make myself likeable to them. Even then, I feel like they will stop liking me just as soon as I stop making myself likeable (or worse, do something unlikeable!) The very idea that people could be liking me, just for who I am, regardless of what I do or fail to do, is almost impossible to grasp.
Now, obviously, it doesn’t matter a whole lot if most of the people in the world like me or not. However, I think I could be free from a huge amount of stress and worry if I wasn’t constantly trying to stay on top of making people (co-workers, friends, family) like me. I say “I think I could be free” because Im pretty sure Im no where close to experiencing what that would be like.
This has a spiritual application, too, because grace is basically God liking us just the way we are. (admittedly theres a whole lot more in there, about Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, our sinlessness in Him, and all that.) I mentioned in the last post that I grew up with a definition of grace as “power and desire to do God’s will.” For so long, grace for me has been about doing and not being, about my work rather than my receiving - the idea isnt any easier to grasp if I say “GOD could be liking me, just for who I am, regardless of what I do or fail to do.”
The second thing that’s been bouncing off the inner walls of my head came from my recent realization that I think Im “bad” unless Ive been “good.” (sort of related.) I know on a theological level I am hopelessly sinful apart for Jesus but in Him I am totally righteous. But I don’t really know what that feels or looks like. Now don’t get me wrong, I think most people who looked at my life would say Im a “good” person. However, I am constantly burdened with the feeling that its not good enough.
Ive noticed this especially in relation to my husband; I find myself saying several times a week, “Im sorry Im not a good wife. Im sorry Im not a better wife. Im sorry Im not as good as you deserve.” The truth is, tho, Im not a “bad” wife. Ive only been married 4 years, so I know I have a lot to learn, but Im certainly doing my best. There are times he wants a particular thing, like for me to bring him a drink when Im busy, and I don’t do it - but I don’t think that actually makes me a “bad” wife.
I guess what I feel is that the bar is set so high that “normal” requires a whole lot of effort just to maintain; if I slip at all, then Im “bad” and actually being “good” requires something spectacular. Now, that may be accurate in my job, but should it be that way in my life?
Im gonna point the finger at my parents a bit here; all my life they set the bar very high. They were partly justified in doing this, because by setting the bar high, they drove me to achieve a lot of things. We had a lot of fights about this when I was in high school and after, tho, because I felt the minute I had reached a goal, the bar was raised again. I ended up with the perpetual feeling that even my best was never good enough.
I realize, tho, maybe its my fault, not theirs. They tell me they tried to get the message across that they were pleased with me - maybe there was already something inside of me going “not good enough, never good enough.” At any rate, it didn’t take long for it to become a toxic cycle.
What Im working on right now is telling myself, if I fail or slip up or have a bad day, is that Im not “bad.” “Bad” is just a slip-up from my normally maintained good enough. In my mind, tho, it feels like “bad” is my normal state - that unless Im constantly striving to do something really good, Im not good enough.
Plese dont think its my husband's fault, either - he tells me all the time Im a good wife and how happy he is with me! Its just that, at this point in my life anyway, I feel like that only applies when Im doing well. If dont do every single thing spectacularly, or have a bad day, or am lazy, or cant buy his favorite food at the store ... I feel like Im back to bad again.